Separe siempre los medicamentos.

Overheard Playing Grand Theft Auto 5...

[Me, driving up and down the beach, ramming sunbathers:] Mi nombre es muerte! Bwa ah ahhhh!
[John:] I love you.
[Me:] Look how they FLY!

Use Your Words

Overheard In The Frontchroom...

[Me:] I should make some ... some ...

[John:] Some...?

[Me:] Some of those .... sugar spirals?

[John:] Sugar spirals.

[Me:]  Sweet...circles!

[John:] ...

[Me:] The ... things! The sweet...sugar...dessert...THINGS!

[John:] I have absolutely no idea.

[Me:] The things! The...sweet sugar buns!

[John:] ...cinnamon ro--

[Me:] CINNAMON ROLLS!!!! Thank you!  I got the mad cow. Jesus christ. Datum point. Sagittal crest. Ramapithecus Sivapithecus. Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. 

[John:] I don't--

[Me:]  Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. Phenylpropanolamine. Flux Capacitor. Every word of dialog from The Goonies. All of these things I can remember, but can I remember what a fucking cinnamon roll is? Sweet circles?? Feet shirts? Eye piece? Tiny hand tvs? Bathroom chair?? What the fuck is wrong with me??

[John:] You have so many big words in your head, there's no room for the small, ordinary words.

[Me:] You're a nice guy. Thank you.

[John:] I'm a manchild.

[Me:] Yes, but you're a nice manchild. 

A Barren, Sterile Existence That Ends When We Die.

*watching Big Bang Theory; Raj, Howard and Bernadette are listening to the baby's heartbeat. We are both creeped out* 

[John:] I promise I will never make a person grow inside of you. 
[Me:] Good. The only thing I want growing inside of me is more loathing. 
[John:] I don't think there's room for anymore of that in you.

Don't sweat the small stuff, it's a long walk back to Eden.

Overheard At Work...

*entering samples into computer*

[Kristen:]  Why are people so weird? This dog's name is Clotho.

[Me:]  Where are Lachesis and Atropos?

[Kristen:] What?

[Me:] They're the Fates.

[Kristen:] I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Me:] Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos!

[Kristen:] Listen, hippie, I don't speak nerd!

[Me:] Clotho spins the thread of life, Lachesis measures the thread of life and determines how long you live, and Atropos cuts the thread of life with her giant scissors.

[Kristen:] You can keep talking but I still won't know what you're talking about.

[Me:]  A little while ago I had a dachshund named Boinky.

[Kristen:] That's better.

Love Stings

Overheard In The Kitchen...

*John has applied an icy/hot patch to my back/shoulder*

[Me:]  Could you move it more over here, please?
[John:] Sure. Let me take it off and re-position it. 
[Me:] Gently, tho.
[John:] I know. Ready? 
[Me:] Yep.
[John:] Okay. One...t-- *RIP*
[Me:] WAAUUUUGHHH!
[John:] *hysterical wheezing laughter*
[Me:] That hurt, you cunt!
[John:] I've always wanted to do that to someone!
[Me:] Great. You're welcome. 

*30 minutes later, watching the final episode of Battle Bots: Beta vs Tombstone*

[John:] I love you, Beta, but I'm gonna have to go with the Dark side, here.
[Me:] Oh, gad. This is awful. This is like when the Blackhawks play the Red Wings.

With An Ex Like Her, Who Needs A Proctologist?

Overheard In The Store

[Me:] Monster Pouch. That's what they call your ex-girlfriend.

[John:] I was waiting for you to say that.

[Me:] Sorry. I should have gotten there quicker.

[John:] Everybody else did.

[Me:] HAHAHA! It's funny because she's a narcissistic, backstabbing, lying, cheating, slutbag bitchtroll swamp witch! 

I taste metal.

Overheard In The Car

*driving to Safeway*

[Me:] Uh oh.

[John:] What?

[Me:] I gotta fart. It...oh, I'm sorry. That's going to be bad. It was a lumper. Those are bad. Just as bad as the clappers and the puffers.

[John:]  *shifts in seat* Oh boy.

[Me:] Oh god. Did you just fart? What kind was it? Was it a lumper?

[John:] Yeah, I think so...

[Me:] You don't sound too sure. Wait. Is your butt warm?

[John:] ...yeah...

[Me:] Is it lingering?

[John:] No, it's gone.

[Me:]  Okay, good. So it's afterburn, not wreckage.

[John:] Yep.

What's Better Than A Dozen Roses On A Piano Bench?

Overheard In The Frontchroom

[John:] You're such a nerd.

[Me:] What? Why?

[John:] *holds up Portland Nursery pamphlets*

[Me:] Oh! Gimme those!

[John:] Everywhere we go, you have to grab some pamphlets.

[Me:] I like information!

[John:]  And that's why you're a nerd!

[Me:] *waving Edible Flowers pamphlet*  This is good to know for when the apocalypse hits!

[John:]  Believe me, it's a turn on.

[Me:]  Really?

[John:] Yeah.

[Me:]  Well, I've got an edible plant for ya. Come over here and eat my tulips!

[John:] *dies* 

(Answer: tulips on your organ. *high hat*)

Don't Get Cocky, Kid.

Overheard At Fred Meyer

*shopping for nephew's birthday present*

[John:]  *picks up Star Wars The Force Awakens: Read-Along Storybook and CD*  We should get this for him.

[Me:]  I don't know.  Shouldn't we start him out in the beginning of the series?

[John:] ...

[Me:] I'm kidding! Let's get it.

Decisions, Decisions.

Overheard In The Frontchroom...

*playing Red Dead Redemption*

[John:] Look! An eagle!
[Me:] Where?
[John:] Right there. Should I kill it?
[Me:] Are you a communist?

Fire Of Unknown Origin Took My Taste Buds Away

Overheard In The Frontroom/Kitchen...

*watching TV, John has been in the kitchen for several minutes*

[Me:] Did she just say her apartment looked drippy?
[John:] *silence* Heh?
[Me:] *walking into kitchen* Did she just say her apar--- what's wrong??
[John:]  *eyes watering*
[Me:] Are you okay?!
[John:] Eh heh.
[Me:] What's wrong?
[John:] Hot sauce. Ehhhh. Burning meh mouth.
[Me:]  *dies*
[John:] Ehhhhh...ehhhhh *sniff* ehhhhh.
[Me:] Gets some bread!
[John:]  *gets bread, holds it on tongue*
[Me:] No! Eat it! Eat the bread!
[John:]  *eats bread* Oh, man. That was hot. *dips bread in hot sauce*
[Me:] Oh my god, what is wrong with you?!
[John:] Ehhhhh...

I made you an omelette on account of I figured you might not like bugs.

Overheard In The Hallway...

[Me:] *in kitchen getting coffee*
[John:] *abrupt coughing*
[Me:] You okay?
[John:] *gagging*
[Me:] Should I call 911?
[John:] *still gagging*
[Me:] ...
[John:] We gotta do something about the moth problem, babe.
[Me:] ...Did you just eat a moth?
[John:] I breathe through my mouth! It flew right in!
[Me:] *dies*
[John:] Oh, thanks. Thanks for the sympathy!
[Me:] I'm sorry! It's just that it's funny!

20 minutes later, in the frontchroom...

[Me:] *watching Twilight Zone: The Movie, minding my own business*
[Bummer:] BARKBARKBARK BARK!
[Me:] Ohhhjesuschrist!!
[John:] No wonder you have high blood pressure.

I taste metal.

Overheard In The Frontchroom...

[John:] Let me put some pants on and I'll help you take the dogs out.
[John:] *farts*
[Me:] Maybe put two pants on.

Overheard In Oregon City

Overheard Outside...

*Driving to the Canemah Bluffs/Willamette Falls*

[Me:] *looking up at the rocks* Those must be the bluffs.
[John:] Yeah? They look pretty serious to me.

*20 minutes later, hiking the Camas Spring Trail*

[Me:] You might want to walk ahead of me for a bit.  *farts*
[John:]  *pause* Oh my god!
[Me:]  Did it follow us?
[John:] I think so.  You're wearing my jeans, though; you're probably waking up my old farts.

Clear Back Blast Area!

Overheard In The Frontchroom...

[Me:]  *farts in hallway*  Oh, god.  Oh, that's going to be bad. Really, really bad. I apologize in advance.

*five seconds later*

[John:]  *screams, runs out the back door* OH MY GOD!
[Me:] I'm sorry!
[John:]  *gagging* OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
[Me:] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so glad I didn't fart on the dog like I first planned to!
[John:]  *still gagging*  It smells like rotten eggs!
[Me:] Maybe I ate a demon.

Best Date Ever

Overheard Watching Jeopardy

(While Not Having Anything To Do With Jeopardy)

 

 

*chatting about past relationships*

[John:] I started dating [Narcissistic Slutbag] around 9/11.
[Me:] Well, that wasn't the biggest red flag ever.
[John:] No, the biggest red flag ever was that she slept with me on our first date.
[Me:] Technically, so did I.
[John:] That's right; I never went home.
[Me:] Best date ever!

(Back story: John came out here from Chicago for a week's visit at the end of April in 2013. He's been here ever since, so technically we're still on our first date.)

Overheard In The Frontroom...

*Jeep commercial on TV*

[Commercial:] What famous American has covered more ground than any other?
[Me:] John's ex girlfriend!

(**The last one. She's a hose beast and a horrible excuse for a human being and deserves every misery coming to her. Times eleven. She's a cunt.)

Somehow, I'm not reassured.

Overheard Spooning In Bed...

[John:] *makes noise*
[Me:] Did you just fart?
[John:] ...no...
[Me:] You did!
[John:] No, I didn't!

*pause*

[John:] I almost threw up on your back.
[Me:]  ....

My dogs are barking

Overheard In The Hallway...

(The dogs are impatient for breakfast)

[Me:] Okay, guys. Who's hungry? Raise your paws if you're hungry!
[Curly Joe:] *knocks me down*

Oral Displeasure

Overheard In The Bedroom...

[Me:] I don't want to have to dig through vomit for amphetamines.

**I'd had a coughing fit a few minutes after taking my ADHD meds and it triggered my gag reflex. Get your mind out of the gutter, pervert.

St Helens and the zombie apocalypse

Overheard In The Car...

[John:] St Helens would be a great spot for the zombie apocalypse.
[Me:] Yeah. Lots of bluffs, there's a river so you can fish.
[John:] And zombies can't get across the river.
[Me:] Even if they could, by the time they crawled out, they'd be all waterlogged and juicy and you can just hit them with your lawnmower. Splat.
[John:] Wet feet smell horrible. Can you imagine what wet zombie would smell like?
[Me:] Like Satan's asshole on hot asphalt.
[John:] With a foot up it.

Reuntion

Overheard On My Phone...

[Cathy:] I can't believe I'm gonna be there tomorrow! You're coming to get me at the airport, right? I get nervous. You are required to reassure me. 
[Me:] Yes, I'm coming to get you.
[Cathy:] I mean REAL reassurance. Not like when you told me I was going to die from a melatonin overdose. 

The Benchwarmers

Overheard At My Mom's..

(The Benchwarmers is on TV)

[Sister:] You like this movie?
[Me:] I fucking love this movie.
[Sister:] That's so sad. Why?
[Me:] Because it's awesome. The nerds win. All the freak midget weirdo rejects win. It's like "The Sandlot" for loser adults.
[Sister:] That's true.

Eric Clapton is a bastard.

Overheard In The Car...

(John had just cockblocked me from changing the radio station because I don't like I don't like I don't like...."Cocaine.")

[John:] This is the evolution of the blues.
[Me:] NO. Eric Clapton used music for EVIL and that is UNFORGIVABLE

The Who?

Overheard At Work...

(Pinball Wizard is on the radio)

[Randy:] Is this from Bobby?
[Me:] What?
[Randall:] Isn't this from that movie about the wall?
[Me:] No, this is The Who. The movie this song is from is called "Tommy."  "The Wall" is Pink Floyd.
[Randall:] It is?
[Me:] Yeah. "Tommy" is about a deaf-mute who's really good at pinball. "The Wall" is a really depressing movie about a guy who hates his mother.
[Randall:]  *blink*

Halloween shananigans

Overheard At Work (On Halloween)...

[Me:] See? Rachel doesn't care that I farted on her brother's car.

-----------------------

[Jami:] We're making a Mexican Jesus.

[Kristy:] Hey, Jesus. Why don't you turn some water into wine?

[Me:] And doughnuts.

-----------------------

[Me:] The street cleaner guy drove by three times while a gorilla beat the shit out of me in the parking lot. He didn't try to help.

[Valerie:] I think he actually slowed down to get a look.

-----------------------

[Andy:] A gorilla came out of nowhere and ran off when I got out of my car.

[Me:] I know. He mugged me last night and beat the crap out of me in the parking lot.

[Surly Eastern European Former Coworker Who Randomly Stopped By:] What the hell is going on in here?! 

Turtles vs Babies

Overheard In The Bedroom...

[John:] Turtles don't play fetch.

[Me:] Yes, they do. It just takes them a long time. Besides, neither do babies.

[John:] Turtles smell.

[Me:] So do babies. AND they both carry salmonella.  

No definite conclusions were drawn, but I'm still siding with turtles because, bottom line, you can't glue a LEGO wheel to a baby.

Bullies 'n hookers

Overheard At Work...

[Kristy:] Outta my way, butt nut.

[Me:] How did you know they called me that in high school?

[Kristy:] Butt nut?

[Me:] No, just Butt.

[Kristy:] Why?

[Me:] I have no idea. Nearest I could tell, it was some sort of dig at my last name.

[Kristy:]  That' doesn't make any sense.

[Me:] I know. That's why I thought it was funny. I mean, if you're going to make fun of me, at least put some effort into it. I couldn't even get mad. It was just so ... unimaginative.

[Kristy:] Wait. The person who came up with "Butt," was that the retarded girl John asked to dance?

[Me:] In 6th grade?

[Kristy:] Yeah.

[Me:] Only she wasn't handicapped, she was just a bitch with a vacant look in her eyes?

[Kristy:] Yeah.

[Me:] That's the one.

[Kristy:] Hahahaha!

[Me:] She also got married in Vegas and had a prostitute in her wedding party.

[Kristy:] Maybe she really is retarded.

[Me:] It's possible. A reasonably intelligent woman would at least ask the hooker to swap her purple sequined dress for something a little more classy, if not ask that the best man not, in fact, hire a whore to accompany him down the isle.

[Kristy:] HAHA!

[Me:] I've seen the pictures. They made up for just about every hellish moment I endured in high school.

[Kristy:] Well, it's the little things.

[Me:] the little, charge-by-the-hour things. The prostitute slept with the best man in the room he shared with the groom's father.

[Kristy:] Oh my GOD.

[Me:] That's what he said.

It's an inside joke.

**Overheard In The Car...

[John:] Tell Kristy I'm going to try and get you pregnant tonight. We'll get her that lung baby in nine months.

[Me:] 'kay.

*five minutes later, talking to Kristy on the phone*

[Kristy:] Okay, so I'll meet you there at quarter to three.

[Me:] Yep. We'll see you then. By the way, John wants you to know that he's going to try and get me pregnant tonight.

[Kristy:] Good. I need my mutant baby.

[Me:] We'll try. Really, really hard.

[Kirsten:] GAAAHHHH.

**My husband and I are 100% child-free. The baby thing is an inside joke. We have dogs. We do not want kids. Ever. 

I've fallen and I can't get up

Overheard In Bed...

[John:] Zzzzzz...

[Me:] *poke poke*

[John:] Zzzzzzzzz...

[Me:] *poke poke* Hey. *poke*

[John:] Zzzzz--hm?

[Me:] I'm stuck.

[John:] How are you stuck?

[Me:] My hips hurt, and I can't move. I never should've gotten back into bed.

[John:] How can I help?

[Me:] You can't. I just ... thought someone should know.

Short people problems

Overheard In The Car...

[Me:] What time were you born?

[John:] I don't know. Six o'clock?

[Me:] I was born at 9:19 in the morning. My sister was born at 9:00. I don't know why they waited 20 minutes to take me out.

[John:] Because they couldn't find you.

Johnward Scissorfeet

Overheard In The Bedroom...

[Me:] How's your ankle?

[John:] Fine, but I sliced my foot open with a knife.

[Me:] ... what.

[John, grinning:] It was bound to happen eventually.

[Me:] How did you slice your foot open?

[John:] I was scratching it with the knife and doink! right into the heel.

[Me:] Thank god you weren't scratching your balls.

Godzilla versus Space Godzilla

Overheard In The Bedroom...

[Me:] Aww. Was that a real spider? Why was it full of jizz?

[John:] It's a Japanese jizz spider.

[Me:] *laugh* *fart* *laugh* *fart*

[John:] And that was a Northwest barking spider.

----------------------

*baby Godzilla jabbering at some guy*

[Some Guy:] Not again.

[Some Other Guy:] You know each other?

[Me:] We fucked once.

----------------------

[Me:]  Did he say "Professor Condom"?

[John:] Yeah, at the Jizz Institute.

Preach it, sister

Overread On My Phone...

(texting with sister-in-law)

[Me:] John won't let me get a humidifier and he refuses to eat the oranges I bought him. I forgot how difficult men were.

[John's Sister:] Welcome back to the world of idiocy. Enjoy the ride.

[Me:] I'm going to slip some NyQuil into his Mountain Dew.

[John's Sister:] There you go.

You ain't no nice guy!

Overheard In The Bedroom...

[John, sick:] Oh, god.

[Me:] There is no god, only Zuul.

[John:] I'm dying. I've got the apocalypse plague.

[Me:] It's just Captain Trips.

[John:] Heh?

[Me:] Tell me, have you been dreaming about an old woman or a walkin' dude in a denim jacket?

[John:] ...I'm not...dreaming about either of those people...

[Me:] You've never read "The Stand"?

[John:] No.

[Me:] Ugh.

The Midgets

Overheard At Work...

[Terri:] Katie! I need to tell you something.

[Me:] Uh oh.

[Terri:] I wanted to know if you know where we can find *whispers* midget strippers.

[Me:] What? Why??

[Terri:] Because we think it would be interesting.

[Me:] I should be horrified, but I'm not. I'm gonna find out. I do know that midget tossing is only legal in northern Florida. 

Lord of the Dorks

Overheard In The Bedroom...

(watching "Return of the King," battle of the Pellenor Fields)

[Me:] That's what's so awesome about this story; they know they can't win, but they keep on fighting anyway.

[John:] That's how I felt for three years, trying to get you to realize I liked you.

[Me:] Dork.

Kids 'n Christmas

Overheard In The Kitchen...

("Missy" and "Ned" are my then-roommate's kids)

[Missy:] Are you excited about Christmas?

[Me:] Yep!

[Missy:] You guys are getting stocking.

[Me:] Really?

[Ned:] You can share it.

[Me:] John gets all the coal, right?

[Ned:] Why does he get all the coal?

[Me:] Because he's a bad boy.

[Ned:] Why is he bad?

[Me:] Because he's a brat.

[Ned:] How do you know he's a brat?

[Me:] Because I've known him for 30 years.

---------------------------

Cast in point -- As I was writing that post, John grabbed my phone and did this: jjjjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfshdhdr98uslkefflslkj;aaaaaaaaaannenenw000vnvnlslskj@LKJl2lllakdjflll

Morgan Freeman and the Unexplained Files

Overheard In The Bedroom...

*watching the Unexplained Files*

[John:] I like watching this show because just hearing Morgan Freeman's voice makes me smarter. It's scientifically proven.
[Me:] Really.
[John:] Yep. That's why he was on the Electric Company.
[Me:] Was he? I don't remember that.
[John, puts TP roll up to mouth, sings:] Theeeeeeeeeeeee electric company, the electric company, the electric companyyyyyyyy!
[Me:] Did you have beer?
[John:] Nope.
[Me:] Whiskey?
[John:] Nope.
[Me:] Sex with a hooker?
[John:] Yep.
[Me:] I knew it.

I heard something funny the other day.

I overhear/participate in many strange and amusing conversations which I have shared with my facebook friends over the last few years.  Recently, I was (strongly) encouraged to start a blog on which to showcase these conversations.

So I have.

This is it.

Enjoy.

P.S. You're welcome, Annette.