Don't sweat the small stuff, it's a long walk back to Eden.

Overheard At Work...

*entering samples into computer*

[Kristen:]  Why are people so weird? This dog's name is Clotho.

[Me:]  Where are Lachesis and Atropos?

[Kristen:] What?

[Me:] They're the Fates.

[Kristen:] I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Me:] Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos!

[Kristen:] Listen, hippie, I don't speak nerd!

[Me:] Clotho spins the thread of life, Lachesis measures the thread of life and determines how long you live, and Atropos cuts the thread of life with her giant scissors.

[Kristen:] You can keep talking but I still won't know what you're talking about.

[Me:]  A little while ago I had a dachshund named Boinky.

[Kristen:] That's better.

Love Stings

Overheard In The Kitchen...

*John has applied an icy/hot patch to my back/shoulder*

[Me:]  Could you move it more over here, please?
[John:] Sure. Let me take it off and re-position it. 
[Me:] Gently, tho.
[John:] I know. Ready? 
[Me:] Yep.
[John:] Okay. One...t-- *RIP*
[Me:] WAAUUUUGHHH!
[John:] *hysterical wheezing laughter*
[Me:] That hurt, you cunt!
[John:] I've always wanted to do that to someone!
[Me:] Great. You're welcome. 

*30 minutes later, watching the final episode of Battle Bots: Beta vs Tombstone*

[John:] I love you, Beta, but I'm gonna have to go with the Dark side, here.
[Me:] Oh, gad. This is awful. This is like when the Blackhawks play the Red Wings.

With An Ex Like Her, Who Needs A Proctologist?

Overheard In The Store

[Me:] Monster Pouch. That's what they call your ex-girlfriend.

[John:] I was waiting for you to say that.

[Me:] Sorry. I should have gotten there quicker.

[John:] Everybody else did.

[Me:] HAHAHA! It's funny because she's a narcissistic, backstabbing, lying, cheating, slutbag bitchtroll swamp witch! 

I taste metal.

Overheard In The Car

*driving to Safeway*

[Me:] Uh oh.

[John:] What?

[Me:] I gotta fart. It...oh, I'm sorry. That's going to be bad. It was a lumper. Those are bad. Just as bad as the clappers and the puffers.

[John:]  *shifts in seat* Oh boy.

[Me:] Oh god. Did you just fart? What kind was it? Was it a lumper?

[John:] Yeah, I think so...

[Me:] You don't sound too sure. Wait. Is your butt warm?

[John:] ...yeah...

[Me:] Is it lingering?

[John:] No, it's gone.

[Me:]  Okay, good. So it's afterburn, not wreckage.

[John:] Yep.

What's Better Than A Dozen Roses On A Piano Bench?

Overheard In The Frontchroom

[John:] You're such a nerd.

[Me:] What? Why?

[John:] *holds up Portland Nursery pamphlets*

[Me:] Oh! Gimme those!

[John:] Everywhere we go, you have to grab some pamphlets.

[Me:] I like information!

[John:]  And that's why you're a nerd!

[Me:] *waving Edible Flowers pamphlet*  This is good to know for when the apocalypse hits!

[John:]  Believe me, it's a turn on.

[Me:]  Really?

[John:] Yeah.

[Me:]  Well, I've got an edible plant for ya. Come over here and eat my tulips!

[John:] *dies* 

(Answer: tulips on your organ. *high hat*)

Don't Get Cocky, Kid.

Overheard At Fred Meyer

*shopping for nephew's birthday present*

[John:]  *picks up Star Wars The Force Awakens: Read-Along Storybook and CD*  We should get this for him.

[Me:]  I don't know.  Shouldn't we start him out in the beginning of the series?

[John:] ...

[Me:] I'm kidding! Let's get it.