That's What She Said

Overheard Watching Jeopardy...

[Me:] She has swallows on her dress.
[John:] If she swallowed, it wouldn't be on her dress.

Wankel Rotary Engine

Overheard In The Bedroom...

*Bummer keeps randomly barking at nothing*

[John:] I'll show you my penis if you go kill the dog.
[Me:] No!
[John:] Why not?
[Me:] Because then every time I look at your penis, I'll be sad.
[John:] Just like me.

-----------------------------------

*John Malkovich commercial on TV*

[Me:] *scratching my thigh*
[John:] Does John Malkovich turn you on?
[Me:] No. I have an itch.
[John:] A John Malkov..itch?
[Me:] *dies*

In Space, No One Can Hear You Make Bad Jokes

Overheard In The Frontroom...

*Watching  Adam West's "The Invisible Enemy" episode of The Outer Limits*

[Me:] That guy is walking around Mars without a suit. He's not wearing a helmet!
[John:] The other guy didn't have a helmet.
[Me:] Yes, he did. He had a whole spacesuit on. This guy's wearing a baseball hat. How is he not dead??
[John:] Maybe it's a spaceball hat.

I think my mighty scream was off.

Overheard In The Bedroom...

[John, playing GTA 5:]  This isn't a bad truck for running people over.
[Me:] Is it as good as the Eradicator?
[John:] The Liberator.
[Me:] Theee EeeeRADICATORRRR!
[John:] What?
[Me:] The Kids in the Hall.
[John:] Oh, the band name.
[Me:] No, that's Rod Torfulson's Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuk. I'm talking about the D-squash guy. 
[John:] What.
[Me:] Hang on, I'll find it.

Separe siempre los medicamentos.

Overheard Playing Grand Theft Auto 5...

[Me, driving up and down the beach, ramming sunbathers:] Mi nombre es muerte! Bwa ah ahhhh!
[John:] I love you.
[Me:] Look how they FLY!

Use Your Words

Overheard In The Frontchroom...

[Me:] I should make some ... some ...

[John:] Some...?

[Me:] Some of those .... sugar spirals?

[John:] Sugar spirals.

[Me:]  Sweet...circles!

[John:] ...

[Me:] The ... things! The sweet...sugar...dessert...THINGS!

[John:] I have absolutely no idea.

[Me:] The things! The...sweet sugar buns!

[John:] ...cinnamon ro--

[Me:] CINNAMON ROLLS!!!! Thank you!  I got the mad cow. Jesus christ. Datum point. Sagittal crest. Ramapithecus Sivapithecus. Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. 

[John:] I don't--

[Me:]  Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. Phenylpropanolamine. Flux Capacitor. Every word of dialog from The Goonies. All of these things I can remember, but can I remember what a fucking cinnamon roll is? Sweet circles?? Feet shirts? Eye piece? Tiny hand tvs? Bathroom chair?? What the fuck is wrong with me??

[John:] You have so many big words in your head, there's no room for the small, ordinary words.

[Me:] You're a nice guy. Thank you.

[John:] I'm a manchild.

[Me:] Yes, but you're a nice manchild. 

A Barren, Sterile Existence That Ends When We Die.

*watching Big Bang Theory; Raj, Howard and Bernadette are listening to the baby's heartbeat. We are both creeped out* 

[John:] I promise I will never make a person grow inside of you. 
[Me:] Good. The only thing I want growing inside of me is more loathing. 
[John:] I don't think there's room for anymore of that in you.